Recently on an online writers’ forum, a pulp writer I know offered the following snarky-but-sadly-accurate list. It’s distilled from his years of reading the typical ways authors defend their substandard, clueless, or frankly predatory publishers. Upon talking to veteran authors, editors, and agents, I realized we’d all seen these excuses. (Our usual responses in parentheses.)
- Communication with the publisher was prompt and courteous. (Of course it was, they want your money and your book. Well, certainly your money.)
- Working with the editor and cover designer was a delight. (Maybe, but do they know what they are doing? We’d take skilled curmudgeon over friendly incompetent, any day.)
- Of course I never expected actual sales—after all, I’m not Stephen King. (Good publishers publish to make money. You should expect to see some sales, if the publisher is actually in that business, instead of merely grabbing vanity fees from authors. Non-vanity small presses also use this excuse, based on their habit of publishing lots of low-selling books. They might make a few dollars off a few hundred books, but individual authors are making pennies.)
- Yes, promotion and marketing are up to me and I’m proud of it. That’s simply how things happen these days, even with big publisher authors. Ask anyone. (Yes. Please ask anyone who knows how publishing works. If you are not James Patterson, then you probably don’t have decades of marketing experience and an advertising budget to match. By all means, market yourself – just be aware you probably are not going to see Patterson-level sales because of it.)
- A contract where you give up almost everything for almost nothing is actually pretty reasonable. Ask anyone. (Again, ask people who work in real publishing. You should gain in proportion for what you give. If you are giving up nearly everything, that’s essentially a work-for-hire contract, and it should pay very well. Like, $15,000 to $30,000 per book minimum, because that’s the lower end of what good ghostwriters earn. Go on, we dare you: tell your publisher they can have their life-of-author all-rights grab if they give you fifteen grand in a cashiers’ check.)
- No, I am not the owner nor the owner’s spouse. I be but a humble honest author defending a humble honest publisher. (You’re either still in the honeymoon phase where your publisher can do no wrong. Or you’ve begun to realize your trust was unfounded but you’re too ashamed to backtrack. Or you’re a heartless manipulative shill hoping to drag other authors in this mess in return for ‘favors’ from your publisher. We’ve seen all three from the same authors, depending on the stage of the publisher’s rise and fall. Silver Publishing was a great bad example.)
- I see I’ve stumbled into a nest of bullies and ruffians and therefore must bid you adieu! (You either know you’re in the wrong and you don’t want to defend yourself, or your shame is so great you can’t face opposition telling you what you should have realized much earlier. When people point out you are wrong, that doesn’t necessarily make them bullies. Ruffians, we’ll give you.)
There: seven excuses authors make about dubious publishers. When you see these, especially multiples from the same author, there’s a strong likelihood the publisher referred to is not someone you want to deal with. And maybe not the author, either.